The post where I discuss the flu shot

Vaccinations.

The debate about vaccinations is crazy. Do you get them? What is in them? Do they help? Do they cause Autism? On and on and on and on.

I am not chiming in on baby vaccinations right now. I don't have kids yet and I have time to decide what is best for my non-existent smallish children when the time comes.

This post is all about the flu shot.

Me... I have no choice in the matter. I am in the military and I get told to roll up my sleeve and relax. At boot camp I thought of it as a line of cattle in a gauntlet. Single file line going up the middle of a bunch of Corpsman with needles at the ready. Step forward....shot in both arms. Step forward....shot in both arms. Step forward....you get the idea.

Anyway...flu shot. I get one every year because I don't have a choice. I've never really thought about it much. I don't know when I am going to be done with my Navy career for sure but I never really saw myself as the type of person to go get a flu shot without an HM1 telling me it was time.

Until now.

I have friends that are reading this that are against the flu shot and are probably preparing to throw a list of links and references my way of what is in the shot and why I shouldn't get it and etc etc. Please don't. I have seen it all on Facebook. I have seen the "what is in a flu shot" pictures. I get it. I do. It has a bunch of crap in it that shouldn't be put into a body.

Life is full of crap that shouldn't be put into a body. The air we breathe is full of crap we shouldn't be putting into a body. Alcohol fucks up your liver and yet people that I know that preach against vaccines drink on a regular basis. Tobacco causes cancer and yet people I know that preach against vaccines smoke or dip. The tap water could be contaminated. The air is contaminated. The soil we grow food in might be contaminated. Truthfully....we're already screwed so a flu shot isn't gonna do all that much that living is gonna do in the long run anyway.

You want to know what convinced me to go from "meh" about the shot to "yeah, I'll get one post Navy"? Also something I read about on Facebook....

Post by Tina on January 11th:

Tony was transported last night and is in ICU at U of M . He did well on the trip down and continues to hold his own today. He's not out of the woods, but he's a fighter. He is heavily sedated to keep him still. Blood pressure is good, he's on 85 % oxygen. They did another bronch today to see what's going on. He has had a lot of tests and I spoke to his dr today. Tony is flu patient #15 in this ONE unit. They are all equally sick and some worse. They are ALL ages, male and female. PLEASE PLEASE, GET YOUR FLU SHOTS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SICK IT CAN MAKE YOU. I have an amazing support structure of family and friends... I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Post by Morgan on January 12th:

Dad update: spiked a temp of 103 today, they packed him with ice and got him a fan. He is back down to 99 tonight. Had a little drop in his oxygen due to his tube getting plugged with stuff coming out of his lungs but they got him right back up. The plan is to paralyze him tonight so he won't be coughing and hopefully his oxygen wont drop. Please limit calls/texts on updates to my mom because it is a stressful time and she needs to focus on her health to be there for my dad (please continue to send positive thoughts/prayers however, she will continue to read your posts on facebook!!!) feel free to get ahold of me or Meg! We are hoping to get a care page set up soon to refer those looking for updates!

Posts by Tina on January 13th:

It's been a week today that Tony was admitted to the hospital. It's hard to not have had a turnaround yet, but I am thankful every day that he is still with us and fighting. We went 4 steps back yesterday, but he's still alive. I thought I had lost him when his oxygen plummeted. He was feverish off and on last night. This morning his nurse said they were going to try something new. I will update again when they get him situated after rounds. I spent the night here on the couch and they didn't need to wake me, I consider that a blessing. I am optimistic that this will be the day for positive news.....

Tony is the sickest one in the unit where he is....they rolled him over on his stomach today to try and drain his lungs with gravity. They also had to raise his oxygen back to 100%.....he's very critical. I am waiting to discuss with the drs what the next step is. I told him I'm not leaving without him. This flu is so bad that recovery time in ICU is from 2 weeks to 6 months. And you don't want a flu shot why?? Cause you might get a stuffy nose?

Post by Tina on January 14th:

PTL ! Tony had an uneventful night ! They just backed his oxygen to 60% to see how he would tolerate it. Yesterday they proned him (put him on his stomach) to drain his lungs are happy with the progress so far. In about 30 mins they will be flipping him back over and see how it goes. His organs are still doing well, which is in his favor. They still have him paralyzed to help his lungs heal. They told me there was some improvement over yesterday, but this is a slow process. H1N1 is brutal on your lungs. It didn't help having double pneumonia on top of it. Again, I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I wish I could read them all to him. I told them I don't care how slight of an improvement it is, I will take it ! Thank you every one who reported getting flu shots, I passed it on to the nurses, it makes them ecstatic. You don't want to be lying here like this. We are on week two. Just for the record, I tried to get Tony to get a flu shot with me, but he didn't have time....

Posts by Tina on January 15th:

Tony's oxygen was at 60% when I got here. That's a good sign. They turned it up to 100 when they turned him to make sure he doesn't drop. I had to leave while they turned him, so I don't know yet how he tolerated it. I am hoping for some positive changes. He seems a little less unstable today. He is going to freak when he sees how long he's been down. I hope he's resting and not cutting trees in his sedated sleep. He is still medically paralyzed, which along with nitric oxide seems to have helped. The staff here is amazing.

Yay !! Tonys numbers have been holding well all day, blood pressure, etc. He is slowly coming around. They took him off his paralasis drug this afternoon. He is still sedated and on pain meds. Dr says slight improvement, still in the woods and cautious. I hope they can keep him quiet without more sedation, he hates the vent tube. He tries to open his eyes in response. I leaned over and kissed him when I left and he turned towards me and leaned on my face. I wiped a tear sliding down his cheek. Awesome. Thats all I can say.

Posts by Tina on January 16th:

Tony spiked a fever off and on all night, characteristic of H1N1. He's still heavily sedated but they hope to back off some today. I hope he behaves this time, but I doubt it. I'm sure he wants that damn tube out. The drs are happy with progess all tho it has been very slow, also H1N1. But he is MUCH better than when he got here. Chest xray a little better on one side, so they have been moving him around. Started him on percussion, which they couldn't do before because he couldn't tolerate it. I was in there during it and he did fine. A few coughing fits but they don't drop his oxygen like it was, so thats great... I felt good when I heard rounds today. Dr says its always guarded with H1N1 and ICU. We all know that. Dr smiled at me, thats a good sign ! He continues to get awesome care here. Another different nurse today and I have a good feeling about him. This is an amazing group of caring, dedicated staff. And thank you all for your concern about me, I'm fine. I have some Choszczyk family near and am well taken care of. I have gained weight even lol. I looked in the mirror this morning and am starting to look like me again. Positive thoughts !! 

 

Damn you H1N1 !! Tony had a good 10 hrs straight. Tonight he spiked a fever, blood pressure high and he's anxious so they had to sedate him more. I had to leave for a while and hydrate and unhydrate... He tried to open his eyes but just couldn't get them all the way. He did move his arms and legs slowly on command and squeezed my hand finally !!! He turned towards me and tried to open his eyes when I talked to him. I calmed him down and he slept for a good hour at least. Nurse said I had a calming effect on him. Hmmmmm lol. They are happy where his numbers are going. His oxygen is looking better and it takes him less time to recover when they suction him or move him etc.. which means he has a little more reserve. It's been a long day, back and forth, up and down, but I feel good about it. I will bunk here and stay near when he wakes. One of the H1N1 patients ( we friended another family) has been sick since Dec 27th and been on the ECMO machine. Please get your flu shots, this virus is deadly. It makes me wonder where Tony got it. Wash your hands often and cover your cough. I wish no one ever had to go thru this again, these people in ICU are deathly ill. Don't take any chances ! Thanks again for your support !

 

Post by Tina on January 17th:

Tony had an all night battle with fever and blood presssure. He rested anxiously so they had to sedate him a little more. He did try and respond to my voice. I spent a lot of time with him last night and again from 4 to 6am this morning. Nothing eventful, just sat and talked to him and held his hand. I told him I had total control of the remote. I thought that might get him to wake up ! So, not much change last night, but he did tolerate his bath without totally dropping in oxygen, so thats a plus. I will update when I find something out. I wish I had written down some of my thoughts from last night.. I wish I could post a picture so people would see what he is going through and take flu shots seriously. Tony has been hooked up to 13 drips, the ventilator, nitric oxide and he has a picc line and an art line, along with the stuff they are constantly adding to his IV....H1N1 is no joke.

 

Post by Megan on January 17th:

Dad Update:

Dad's blood pressure has been up and down all day. His numbers were really high last night but they fluctuate drastically by the hour. Doctors are saying his organs still look good and his oxygen saturation is at a good level so that is going for him. Many patients diagnosed with H1N1 develop complications with their other systems...dad is very fortunate to be in relatively good health, considering. He is also up and down with a fever, but again, this is characteristic with H1N1.

He hasn't made much progress today, but he hasn't taken steps back so that is good. (In the words of my mom "he didn't lose the ball, he's just not running with it") Still very sick...still fighting for his life...still on life support.

Every nurse here has confirmed that these patients currently fighting H1N1 did not have the flu shot. Each person is on life support and in critical condition. We are fortunate to have gotten dad here when we did, there are waiting lists of people who are just as sick (and sicker) than he is who are trying to get in here. Unfortunately for them, these patients are not leaving quickly; a stay with H1N1 guarantees you aren't going anywhere soon. It is so unreal...***please go get your flu shot***.

I would never wish this on my worst enemy

 

Posts by Tina on January 18th:

Tony has remained about the same, fever up and down but holding his own. No changes to speak of. They are trying to keep his blood pressure down then it goes to low..... They upped his pain meds, his oxygen is on 60% and hopefully we can keep it there. Staying positive !!!

 

I just left Tony's room. He is still heavily sedated. His fever is back down. He has lost about 26 pounds in 2 weeks. Blood pressure was up and down today again, characteristic of H1N1.... We are thankful his organs are still functioning well. There are people in here on dialyasis and other complications. I am thankful he is strong and strong willed. He's a fighter.... the trend continues, not one critical care patient here with H1N1 virus has had a flu shot. There's a pattern here people.

 

And finally....today...January 19th... post by Tina:

I took a much needed fast trip home this morning to regroup and get the mail. I hated to go so far away. He seems to be slowly making baby steps. Not fast, but not backwards either. I will take it. There are many here that haven't been so lucky. I have the utmost respect for the medical profession after seeing what goes on here day and night. ( I can't believe the waste, either We thank you all for your continued prayers. I can't wait until he is well enough to come out of ICU and not be sedated. We have so much to tell him. He will be in for a surprise....... There's no place like home ~ <3

 

 

 

Tony is like an Uncle to me. You don't have to be blood to be family and although we aren't close I still consider him to be my family.Tina's maiden name is Eberly. If you know me you know I have adopted the entire Eberly clan as my own.... and therefore those they marry etc. Tina is my Aunt. Megan and Morgan are my cousins. The Eberly family has been through more than their fair share of heartache and pain. "Seeing" Tony like this kills me on the inside. Knowing I can't do anything to help hurts even more. 

 

But there is one thing I can do....

 

I will get a flu shot every year even after the Navy stops telling me I have to. I do not want to ever be the one in a bed on a ventilator with my family sending out prayer requests on Facebook because I have the flu and am sedated on a ventilator. Nope.

 

I will get the flu shot because I am pretty sure...with everything that has happened and is still happening...my Eberly family will hunt me down and stab me with a needle themselves if I refuse (which...is what is gonna happen to Tony if he ever says he is "too busy" again. :-p)

 

Team Chosczcyk right here. Keep on fighting, Tony the Tree Man!

 

 

 

The post where I write a letter to Navy Reservists that should not be in the Navy Reserves.....

Before I get to my letter I will say one thing and give a bit of a back story...

The one thing: I will not drop any name or rank in this post. If you read this and you think it is about you...then it might be...so stop being "that" person. Stop it. I don't like the fact I can write any of this. It sucks. "These" people make my life stressful. So, just stop, okay? Stop it. Stop being stupid.

The bit of a back story (extremely abbreviated...which is hard for me since I can turn "I saw a cat jump onto a chair" into "I saw this cat... It was white with an orange patch behind its left ear. Anyway...it was chillin' by this blue recliner. I walked by it and it eyeballed me. Seriously. It looked at me like, "Walk by me...I dare you." Etc etc etc...) Since I am trying to do an abbreviated version I am gonna do bullet point sentences... (This is soooooo hard.....)

Adam joined the Navy. I did too after he did. Recruiter said FTS was a good fit for me to be able to follow him around. Recruiter was wrong: Adam in Oklahoma and me in Pennsylvania. Nope. Get married. Adam in Oklahoma and me in Texas. More manageable. VR 59...FTS and SELRES (reservists). Good SELRES. Not so bad being FTS. Transfer to Oklahoma...finally with Adam. AWESOME. Work at NOSC Oklahoma City. Learn that VR 59  SELRES and NOSC SELRES are two different breeds. Not so awesome. Percentage breakdown of my experience with reservists... 50% VR 59 and 50% NOSC... out of the 50% at VR 59 about 45% were awesome and 5% were not. Out of the 50% at NOSC OKC... 25% are awesome and 25% are not. (That is an extremely generous breakdown considering there were roughly 60 SELRES at VR59 and roughly 400 at NOSC OKC...)

This letter is addressed to the extremely generous estimate of the 30% of reservists I have come across in my six and a half years in the military that have no business being a part of the Navy... a part of my Navy and/or those that think the Navy hit the lottery when they signed up.  Go fill out an IRR chit or retire like....yesterday. We don't need you.

Side note: a co worker of mine at one point in my career coined a term to describe the 30% of  the Navy Reservists this post is referring to... that term is: Nasty Reservist.

Like I said above in the "one thing"... if you are reading this and you are offended or think I am talking about you...you are probably who this post is about and you should knock that shit off. If you know someone who is a reservist and you are reading this and thinking to yourself, "I think I know someone she is talking about...." you are probably correct. If you share this with them and they are all upset... then you were right. (This probably doesn't just apply to the Navy either....if you are in another branch and are familiar with reserves...apply this to your world too... hell...you might be able to apply it to active duty military....or if you aren't in the military you can probably change the terms and whatnot and apply it to your workplace... Sad fact, isn't it?)

And I say again...not gonna say names or ranks. I will refer to any specific examples with "Petty Officer Schmuckatelly"  (PO Schmuck as a short version) for everyone. Could be an E3....could be an O4. PO Schmuck period. That way no one can come across this and be all like "PS2 said this about me". Nope. I said it about PO Schmuck and you decided it was about you....which means you are stupid. Stop being stupid.

Dear Nasty Reservist,

Did you know I like to rewrite songs? It is true. I will take a song...keep the melody and rewrite the lyrics. Have you ever heard the song titled "Royals"? It is by Lorde. If not...here is a link so you can educate yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlcIKh6sBtc

After a particularly annoying week at work I rewrote the lyrics to that song.... Consider this an Ode to You...

I've never seen a war zone in real life
I sit on my couch and eat chips with my wife.
But you best believe it's true
On Veterans Day...I'm in the Navy

And every drill I'm like, "Travel claims and where the hell's my base pay?
I need to reschedule my drill day
I'm not there...I've got Bedlam on my big TV."
But then the staff is like, "Nope, don't think so. You are on the DINQ list.
Credit card and you need to get flu mist
Get in here...or you will have an UNSAT year."

I'm a Nasty Reservist.
Don't wanna do one single thing
Only work two weeks a year
Tagged for MOBs my biggest fear
Did you say it's time to muster?
We did that like five hours ago
Oh man this is lame, it's lame, so lame
Rather play a video game.

Got GMTs on NKO
I'll find someone who will do them for me
'Cause everyone who knows me knows
I am lazy....but still want my money

And every drill I'm like, "Hey, RESPAY, why haven't I been paid yet?
Training needs to submit my request chit."
They don't know I shoulda done it like three months ago
But then the staff is like, "Nope, don't think so. You can't go on travel.
You owe us a PRT and eval
To be blunt....go to medical it's your birth month."

I'm a Nasty Reservist.
Never do what I'm supposed to do
No security clearance for me
Got a DUI in 2003
Did you say it's time for sweepers?
You mean I gotta use a broom?
That's not fair, not fair, not fair
Gonna hide out over there.

No, no. No, no noooo no I'm not gonna sweep a thing
You can't make me do one single thing....

No, no. No, no nooooooooo no I don't really even care
So you take that broom over there...

I'm a Nasty Reservist.
Got no military bearing.
Wrinkled uniform that I wear
Can't get me to cut my hair
Did you say that drill is over?
Oh, thank God it is time to go.
I'm so gone, so gone, I'm gone...
Drill Weekend is such a yawn...

I hope you enjoyed my song. When some of you come into my office and ask me the same question for the billionth time and then, after I explain it to you for the billionth time, you have the gall to ask me, "Can you just do it for me?"... I sing that song to myself in my head while I respectfully tell you no. Sometimes I cave....but that isn't because I want to take the time out of my day to do your stuff for you... I cave because you don't stop nagging and I don't want to hear your mouth anymore. I once had PO Schmuck ask me to do a travel claim. I handed them the written instructions (which, by the way, I wrote myself Barney style). PO Schmuck looked at me, looked at the instructions and then back at me and said, "I'm a Seabee...I'm not gonna be able to follow all this...can't you just do it for me?"  I didn't cave on that one but I did appreciate the fact that PO Schmuck essentially called themselves stupid. I calmly told them to give it a try and if they really didn't understand I would help them. It took them about an hour but they came back with the finished product. I said, "That wasn't so bad was it?" They said it was. I rolled my eyes after they left.

Some of you think that you can walk all over the staff and that we were put into the Navy to be your personal assistants. Some of you look at the staff like we are idiots and can't do things right and LORD HELP US if we don't remember a conversation we had three weeks ago verbatim. Yes....because you are the most important person we come across...the ONLY person we talk to EVER. We should kneel and kiss your feet because we are lucky enough to be in your presence. When I see you walk through the door I day dream about the day I am a civilian again and I happen to come across you at some point and I tell you what a shitty person you are. YOU are the reason I am so good at biting my tongue. (Literally...I have literally bit my own flesh to stop myself from saying something I shouldn't.)

Just because some of you are of a higher rank does not mean we can change the INSTRUCTIONS to convenience you....

PO Schmuck: I got my travel claim back but I didn't get my baggage tips reimbursed...
Me: Baggage tips are only reimbursable when you are having official gear moved for official business.
PO Schmuck: Well I had them carry my laptop bag and my briefcase.
Me: That doesn't count. It is for things like gear boxes that were shipped or something like that.
PO Schmuck: Well then why is there even a choice for baggage tips?
Me: For the times that it is official gear. It is in the JFTR
PO Schmuck: Well....can't you just reimburse them this time?
Me: No. It is in the JFTR.

Next travel claim we get we take the baggage tips off again because YOU DON'T LISTEN TO MY WORDS!!!! And then you call AGAIN and we have the SAME DAMN CONVERSATION. News flash....no matter how many times you ask to have us make an exception to something that is clearly written in an instruction...the answer is not gonna change. You are wasting my time. Stop it.

There are some of you that I have initiated an EQIP application on....more than once... I start it. You don't do it. I start it. You don't do it. I start it. You don't do it. Then...when your unit is like, "You need a clearance....why don't you have a clearance?" ... you are soooooo quick to point your finger at me and say I need to start it for you. Um? Excuse me? DO NOT turn around and blame me for something I tried to get you to do on more than one occasion. I regret to inform you that FTS does not mean Full Time Sitter....it means Full Time Support and there is only so much support I can give before I give up.

You signed a statement of understanding that says you understand that you are responsible for the balance on your GOVCC. That means if your travel claim doesn't pay off your card...you have to pay the rest of it. And stop telling me that you will pay it and yet you are still on my damn DINQ report. I am no longer interested in your words. Pay your damn card off before I ADSEP you. I don't care if you have been in the military for over half of my life or you have been in the military since breakfast. I am all done trying to help you out because after a certain point it is no longer your ass on the line.....it is mine. I WILL NOT get in trouble because you're an idiot.

Have I made mistakes before? Yes. I am a human. Sometimes it is hard for me to keep 400 people straight and sometimes I drop something. Do you know how many emails I get per day?  I had almost 400 emails in my inbox when I got back from two and a half weeks of leave. If you email me or call me and I tell you I will do something and a week or so passes and it wasn't done....ask me about it before you go blasting me to my chain of command. Sometimes I have several people asking me for the same thing and I think I did it but I forgot one. Sorry. Seriously....ask me about it. I will be the first one to admit that it was my fault. I, on more than one occasion, have said, "That is totally my fault. I dropped the ball on that. Not gonna lie, I forgot to do it." Don't go straight to Senior Chief or the XO or the CO. Do you know how shitty it is to have to tell the CO you forgot to do something? It is not fun. It isn't fun to tell YOU I forgot something but hell....start at the source of your frustration...don't go tattling. All that makes me do is resent seeing your name in my inbox or your number pop up on my phone.

I may or may not have played "nose goes not it" when you call.

I don't mind the Navy. I don't mind my job. It isn't that difficult. But you make me stressed out. You are the main reason I dread going to work. Which one of you is gonna cause a problem? If I can make it to the end of the day and I haven't had to deal with you....it was a good day. Some of you I would like to cuss out and rant and tell you how fucking stupid and irritating you are. But I can't. And it sucks. STOP BEING THAT PERSON! I would much rather happily answer my phone every time it rings instead of have to prepare myself for whatever entitled and/or ridiculous words come out of your facehole.

There are many other examples I could use. I could rant for days. But instead I am going to tell you who you SHOULD be like...

There are some people that are an absolute joy to work with. They genuinely want to know how to do things so they can teach others. They come to drill and work their asses off and are sorry because they can't do more to help. They hate having to ask questions because they think they are bugging us. They understand that they aren't the only person we come in contact with and they actually care about us. Keeping 400 people straight is not easy. They get that. They are never on my DINQ list. They get upset when they are on ANY list. Some of you honestly don't give a shit what list you're on. You hide from training. You hide from sweepers. You sleep in empty rooms when you are supposed to be at a meeting. I know this...because I have made a couple of you pee yourselves a little when I woke you up. Oh I'm sorry...did I scare you? Shame, really.

This letter could go on...and on and on and on....

Moral of the story: STOP BEING A DOUCHE.

Love,

PS2

P.S. If anyone that has read this and knows it is about them.... you can redeem yourself. Start wearing the uniform with pride and stop thinking you are just playing dress up. You're irritating...but you can stop being irritating and maybe one day you will call and I will smile when I see your number.

The post where I talk about a decade of love...

On January 7th, 2004 a rusted up, shitty Chevy S10 pickup rumbled up the driveway at good ol' 10320 Freeman Rd.  It was the day before my 18th birthday and this guy I liked had come to take me out to dinner and a movie. I had my hair in two braids (more like a seven year old than a seventeen year old but whatever..it was my style), had on a black turtleneck sweater with sewn on patches (very Avril Lavigne), baggy wide leg jeans (I could literally put both legs in one leg on those. I LOVED those pants), my lucky socks (the ones with the frogs on them that I wore under a pair of white socks at every single band competition through high school) and black Vans skater shoes. I was nervous. I had never actually been on a date before. Not a real one anyway. The guy came to the door and asked my Mom how she was and what time I had to be home by and then we were off. I looked at my Mom all wide eyed as I walked out the door. I was going on a date.and it was before I turned 30!! (I was lucky my Dad was away on business...)

 So.who was that fellow with the shoddy truck in need of a new muffler, you ask?

 Adam. 10 years ago today..well this evening anyway. Adam picked me up and took me on our first date for my 18th birthday. I don't remember where we went to dinner (if I pull my diary out of the attic I could tell you.Lord knows I recorded every damn second of the evening as soon as I got home) but I do remember we went to the movies after. We watched Paycheck with Ben Affleck.  I can remember what area of the theater we sat in (although I don't think the theater exists anymore. I am pretty sure we went to the one in the Lockport Mall. RIP Lockport Mall). At some point throughout the evening he asked me to go out with him.

 Pause story.

 The phrase, "Going out" has always been sort of a joke in the Robinson household.  I would fill my parents in on the latest Medina High gossip on a regular basis and whenever I would say something along the lines of, ".and now she is going out with him" I would always get the same response.

 "Going out? Where are they going? They don't have a car. How are they going to get to where they are going?"

 So then I would (every single time) explain that they weren't necessarily going anywhere. They were dating..or as my parents liked to say, "Going steady."

  Resume story.

 When he asked me if I would go out with him my initial thought was, "We are out," but I didn't want to confuse him with my Robinson humor quite yet and I didn't want him to think I didn't understand what he meant.so I smiled and said, "Sure."

 And then.. On January 14th, 2004. I broke up with him.

 Here is a piece of advice if anyone reading this is single or in a new relationship.. Your friends mean well when they run their mouths to you about all the things they have heard about the person you are beginning to date or whatever. But that is all it is.things they have heard. Don't buy into all the rumors and decide to not figure it all out on your own and form your own opinions. Did my friends run their mouths to me about all the things they heard about Adam? You bet your ass they did. Did I listen? Yep.  But luckily I decided maybe he wasn't as bad as they were all saying and maybe I should give him a chance and ignore my friends. Even luckier was that he broke one of his rules when I told him I was sorry and I was dumb and made a mistake.he had a rule that he wouldn't date someone a second time that broke up with him..but he agreed that I was dumb and gave me another chance.

 So.on January 23rd , 2004 we started dating again.

 Now, it would be a lie if some of the rumors my friends told me didn't have a bit of truth to them. One of my friends lit into me about Adam while in the hallway by the cafeteria during period change. The spot we were in was PACKED with people swarming out of the cafeteria and people coming out of both hallways into the lobby. I don't know if it was because of the noise level in that area or the fact she really wanted to get her point across but she was telling me what a bad idea it was for me to date him and I was trying to tell her he wasn't so bad. She stopped walking, turned towards me, grabbed the leg of my bright red pants, gave it a hard shake and yelled, "HE IS ONLY WITH YOU BECAUSE HE WANTS TO GET IN YOUR PANTS!!!" Everyone in the lobby stopped talking and I turned the color of my bright red pants.  That was January 14th. I broke up with him that night.

 The bit of truth to that one is a bit more complicated than a 20 year old man and raging hormones. You see... our entire relationship began on a $10.00 bet.

 I can hear the gears in your head turning as you try to process and understand what I mean. I'll explain it for you.

 One of my closest friends now is Nickie Poler.  Nickie was dating one of Adam's buddies back then and Adam and I were in the "hold hands at the bowling alley but put them under the table so my Mom doesn't see" Fall 2003 stage in our relationship (she saw, by the way..ten years later and she still picks on us for it). Adam was talking to Nickie's boyfriend, Brandon, about how he kinda liked me. Nickie popped into the conversation right quick..

 Nickie: "Rachel? Rachel Robinson? Pfffft..there is no way. She's a prude, dude. There is no way."
Adam: "You don't know that."
Nickie: "Um..yeah. I do.. Ten bucks says you won't be able to nail her."

Adam was all.. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

How romantic. Doesn't that story just make you get all weepy and lovey dovey? :::Eye roll::: I (obviously) did not know about this bet until much, much later. I think we were engaged before I found out our love was born from a ten dollar wager.

I was pretty much a prude. I hadn't done anything except kiss a guy before. And I am not even talking make out kiss.I am talking, "Okay, bye Grandma, see you next Sunday" type smooch.  I always told myself that I wasn't gonna give up my V-card to someone unless I was in love with them.  So Adam had to wait a good long while to win that bet.

 However, we were talking last night and I was teasing him about the bet and I asked him, "When did you know I was more than just a bet?"
He said, "I know the right answer to this question."
I laughed, "You know the right answer, or the real answer?"
"Both.same moment..same answer."

He then told me that there was a night when we were at a party and all these girls kept telling me that Adam had slept with someone else. Just being catty, trouble starting bitches. I asked him about it and said he hadn't done it and I believed him and ignored the catty bitches. He said that was the moment that he realized he wanted to make me more than just the bet because I trusted him enough to ignore the rumors. An added bonus was that this realization came BEFORE the bet was won. He lurved me.

Oh.by the way. Nickie still owes him $10.00.

 That was just the first instance of a long list of things that some of our friends and co-workers think is "strange" about our relationship.  I was told he cheated on me.he told me he didn't.I believed him.  Boom. Done. Trust. If you can't start a relationship built on a solid foundation of trust what the hell are you building it for? While he was stationed in Oklahoma and I was in Texas he had a two bedroom apartment with a friend. That friend's name is Angela. Yes.my husband lived with another woman for the majority of a three year span and I was totally okay with it because I knew and trusted nothing was gonna happen.  There are so soooooo many other things about us that others fine odd. But it works for us..it is us. We trust each other and if that is "strange" then I feel sad for the people that don't have that.

Sometime in February of 2004 Adam said he had to tell me something. He said that he had promised himself when he was younger that he would not say, "I love you" to anyone he was in a relationship until his wedding day. He told me that other girls had broken up with him for it because they would say it and he wouldn't say it back. He said that he had seen a lot of instances throughout his life that made him believe the phrase was used way too liberally and that when he finally did say it he wanted it to have real meaning behind it. I told him I was okay with that because he was explaining it and that I hoped he didn't mind if I said it to him because when I did fall in love with him I wanted him to know and I didn't have the same feelings about when to say it like he did. He said it was fine as long as I didn't expect to hear it back. I told him that he was right, they were just words and if he ended up falling in love with me he could show me instead of tell me.

That is why our song is "More Than Words" by Extreme.

I did say it, eventually. We were standing by my car in the driveway at the Shelby house and I was getting ready to go home. He was leaning against the passenger door and we were talking and I said I wanted to tell him something but I wasn't sure if I should or not. He told me I could tell him anything. So I did. I said, "I love you." He smiled and pulled me too him for a hug, kissed my forehead and said, "I know you do."

There were a few times he said something very close to "that three word phrase". Always very casually in a conversation we were having and I never acknowledged it happened or said, "OMG, what did you just say????" Example (the first time it was said): I said something one day about buying a box of hair dye because it had been a few years since I dyed my hair and I was getting bored with it. He said, "Nahh, don't do that. I love you the way you are." To which I replied, "But the way I am is boring me." (Inside I was soaring.I could have totally had a freak out SQUEEEE moment but I didn't. I didn't want him to think he broke his promise to himself so I was very non-chalant on the outside.)

Adam proposed to me on January 21st, 2006 and he still hadn't said "I love you" directly. Something that people who knew the story just couldn't understand. ("Wait.you said yes to marriage but he hasn't said he loves you yet? Seriously??")  We went to Canada with some friends to celebrate our two year anniversary  and he proposed by Niagara Falls. His proposal was epic and abso-frickin-lutely PERFECT. We were all dressed to go to the club..it was January and really friggin' cold..annnndddd Adam insisted we stop at the Falls first.

Me: "Dude. it is dark out. We won't be able to see the falls."
Adam: "We are stopping at the falls."
Me: "We aren't really dressed to go look at the falls in the middle of January."
Adam: "We are going to the falls."
Me: "But it's cold."
Adam: "We are going. We are. We're going."
Me: "Alright.."

So we get to the falls.. Baba the limo driver parks in a parking lot and the six of us pile out and walk in our skimpy clubbin' clothes to the railing. We could hear the falls but we couldn't see them. Adam said he wanted to give me my anniversary gift before we went to the club. He handed me a pink gift bag. I opened it and pulled out a small cardboard box..the kind that a ring box would be in. My heart started pounding. I looked at my two friends that were standing nearby and they both had identical, "Holy shit" faces on. I looked at Adam and he said, "Well.open it."

So I lifted the lid off and inside the box there was a piece of paper. My first thought was, "Paper! I can handle paper! I like paper!" I pulled the paper out and unfolded it. The first couple of lines said how Christmas had just passed and he didn't have a whole lot of extra cash and he knew I really liked it when he wrote me letters and stuff. Then it said read the rest out loud.

I did. It was a poem and it was awesome.  I read all the way down and the last stanza was missing the last line. I looked up at him and he stared at me for a few seconds, reached his hand back to his cousin Brett who handed him something from his pocket (sneaky sneaky) and knelt down on one knee.

He finished the poem. The missing line was, "Rachel Robinson, will you marry me?"

Let me tell you all something..if you even have a big event happening and you don't have the ability to get a photographer...buy some disposable cameras (you know..the wind and click kind.) and hire Brett Bielak to be your shutterbug. That man can work a wind and click camera like the frickin' paparazzi. Seriously.

 Needless to say...I said yes.

October 27th, 2007. We were both in the Navy at this point. Both in Pensacola for school and a couple of weeks prior we had found out that he was going to go to Tinker AFB in Oklahoma City and I was going to go to Willow Grove, Pennsyl-frickin-vania. Um.no thanks. The only way they could get me closer than that was if we were married. We hadn't planned on a courthouse style wedding but I was not going to frickin' Pennsyl-tucky. Nope. I also refused to get married in a court house. So.we got married on the beach. And 27 is my favorite number so I was super happy it fell on a Saturday. (And..by the wonderful invention of the leap year it fell on a Saturday  five years later when we did our big white wedding vow renewal deal. )

 That chilly day in October.standing on the beach at sunset. the pastor we had found to marry us said, "I now pronounce you husband and wife.you may kiss the bride". Adam leaned forward, kissed me, leaned back, smiled and said, "I love you."

Yup. He lurves me. I lurve him back a lottle. Our weirdness compliments each other and our opposite-ness is fantastic. We have our moments where we annoy the shit out of each other and piss each other off. That is when we don't like each other very much. We never say we hate each other when we are mad. My most used phrase at the end of an argument.right before I decide we are getting nowhere and I am gonna walk away before we start repeating our strong opinions over and over at a higher volume level is this: "I love you...but right now I don't like you very much at all." Sometimes I skip all the wordi-ness and go with, "I don't like you right now." To which he responds with, "Yeah, I don't like you right now, either."

You don't gotta like your spouse all the time..but you gotta love them always. I love mine, always.

 Especially on Tuesdays.

The post where I discuss the fact I have started writing my novel…

Yep. It happened. I sat down on January 1^st and wrote the first section or chapter or whatever the hell you want to call it. Then, on January 2^nd I read it…said, “This is shitty” and rewrote the first section or chapter or whatever the hell you want to call it. I read that back and said, “Still shitty.”

It is gonna be a long and painful process. Like really painful…

There is a quote by E. L. Doctorow that I am quite fond of… “Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”  E. L. Doctorow hit the nail on the head with that one because I feel very much like someone with multiple personalities.  Seriously. These characters have been beating up the inside of my brain since 2007. Now that I am actually beginning their story they won’t shut up. It is like a permanent party in my brain space. When I sleep I dream about them. It is maddening.

They aren’t the first characters to live in my head. In high school there was a whole different book be-boppin’ around up there.  They still come to visit every once in a while but their almost see through now. Like my disinterest in finishing their story is making them fade away. It almost makes me feel like a murderer knowing that they used to be “living, breathing beings” and they will never have their story told and will die when I die. It is sad…but their story wasn’t the one I am meant to write. This one though….this one is the one.

The part that is gonna be so damn hard is keeping the friggin story line straight. There are so many damn complicated twists and turns. I would love to sit down with J. K. Rowling or Dan Brown or Jodi Picoult and just pick their brains. I almost get a headache when I think about how crazy it is gonna be to do this and how much I don’t wanna screw it up.

Also… writing a blog post is easy for me. (For one I don’t give two shits about grammar and correct anything when I am babbling in this blog.) When I read back posts I am quite satisfied with what I have put down. The fact that my “blog style” and my “book style” are on two different ends of the Rachel’s Writing Spectrum is frustrating.  Writing six pages, reading them back and thinking they suck…sucks.

Okay….that is enough whining for now….lunch break is over. Time to get back to work and be a productive PS2… blarg.  

The post where I discuss 2013 and make plans for 2014

2013.

I turned 27 in 2013.

I like odd numbers.

27 is my favorite number and so I decided that 2013 had to be the best year ever because I was 27 and 13 is an odd number. (Don't mess with my logic.....just roll with it.)

I am also a procrastinator....so I am justifying the fact that age 27 during the odd year of 2013 was so not the best year ever by saying I procrastinated til age 28 in 2014.

Again.....don't mess with my logic. It works for me so roll with it.

I did lose weight in 2013. A good amount of weight. February 22 - November 22 I lost 38 pounds. Not the 50 pounds I wanted to but I started late and I decided I was actually gonna enjoy the Thanksgiving and Christmas food fests.

Lets review 2013's Resolutions shall we?

Oh yeah....we can't... I found the list a few weeks ago while cleaning out the office and laughed as I read all the crap I planned on doing....but didn't. Oops.

2013...

I paid off my car.... Good!
Lap top broke.... Bad.
Adam saved all my files.... Good!
Tablet broke... Bad.
Lost 38 pounds... Good!
Have Achilles Tendonitis.... Bad.
Helped out a friend... Good!
Got so unbelievably SCREWED OVER by that friend.... Bad.


There is a long story to that last one. One I might write out and explain one day while using fake names so the identity of said shithead is protected.... because I am a nice person. Lets just say Adam and I are out roughly $4,000 for six months of trying to help someone down on their luck. Just writing that little bit makes me want to punch something. Moving on...

I wanted to finish writing a good chunk of my book and didn't. Wanted to finally choose a major and start back up with school and didn't. Wanted to be a better wife and wasn't. Wanted to have a good savings account built up and don't. Etc.

I wanted to lose weight and I did. 38 lbs. I wanted to be more social and I am trying..joined a bowling league and I do see my friends more often than last year....not by much but I am trying. I wanted to get back into coaching and I did...two fold. Two teams in one season is kid of a pain in the ass.  I was apparently voted onto the board here too.... THAT should be interesting. Wanted to figure out my finances and bills and I have...I have a ways to go before I am where I want to be but at least I have a plan.

Then there is work... Shit went down in July and that snowball hasn't stopped rolling yet.

Summary... 2013 was 75% suck and 25% good.

So....2014.... I s'pose I will make my semi-realistic resolutions in a public forum...

1. As always... the resolution I have made every year since I was like..... six... I will stop biting my nails. (I probably won't. But after over two decades of saying it every year it just seems wrong to not include it.)

2. I'll drop 20 more lbs. (Did 38 in nine months....why not another 20?) Granted I have not discovered how much I gained back during the Thanksgiving and Christmas Food Fest so it may be like....30 but I digress)

3. I will write more. I'll write a bit on my book every week. Even if it is just a sentence or two. But I will have the in depth outline done by March 1st. I'll do a blog post twice a month....about what... I dunno.... I'll figure that out later.

4. I will work on crocheting more often this year. I have 9,000 balls of yarn and the best intentions but I never actually finish anything I start.

5. More of that being social crap. Do something with someone that doesn't live in my house at least bi-weekly.

6. Keep at least $50 of each paycheck squirreled away in a savings account....or a sock...or in a hole in the mattress. Whatever.

7. Pick a freakin' major for Christ's sake....and keep it. Lucky number five. It'll be my fifth major and probably my fifth college. Sigh.

8. Be a better wife. I am a moody bitch on a good day. I need to stop taking all my frustrations about things out on Adam. It isn't fair to him but I do it alllll the time.

9. Be more of a Susie Homemaker type. I hate cooking. But sometimes you gotta do shit you hate for those you love.

10. Ten is a combination of three things I want for myself that are personal and not for public knowledge. So the most I will say is: 1. I won't.......... 2. I'll stop.......... 3. If I................


Dear 2013,

Suck it.

Love, Rachel



Dear 2014,

Let's do this.

Love, Rachel



Keep livin' the dream!

~Turtle

The post where I.....I don't know how to title this one....

Based on the previous post you all probably realize I believe in things that are a little….different. This post will follow that theme. This will probably be a rather long post. A three parter in fact. The Story. The Poem. The “Dream”.

 

Aunt Tam…. If you are reading this I am going to color code it so you don’t have to read all of it if you don’t want to. The first section (red) is about the day I found out Justin had died. The  second section (blue) is about when Mom and I got to Michigan and the poem I wrote and read at Justin’s funeral. The third section (green) is about the day leading up to and including the “dream.” I understand if you don’t want to read the red and blue sections….but please, please, please read the green section. Please.

 

**

 

My Mom has two best friends that she has known since she was in first (or so) grade… my Aunt Tammy and my Aunt Lorie. Aunt Tammy has two boys….my cousins…Justin and Jordan. My cousin Justin died in March of 2009. He had a drug problem and it killed him.

 

I will never ever forget the day I found out Justin had died. I had my advancement exam for Second Class Petty Officer that morning. I had to be there pretty much at the butt crack of dawn. I had forgotten something at work so I went early to grab it before heading over to the testing site. I was walking out of the hanger and crossing the flight line to get to the parking lot when my phone went off in my pocket. No one calls me that early unless I am late for something or something is wrong….so I looked around real quick…no one was around to see me pull my phone out on the flight line…so I did.

 

The screen said “Momma”. I didn’t think anything was wrong when I saw that. She knew I had my exam that morning and I figured she was calling to wish me good luck. I answered the phone. “Hey, Momma.”

 

She had that ‘trying not to cry even though I have been crying for a while’ voice. “Hey, Baby.”

 

My heart hit my throat. I stopped walking. I knew I had to go take a three hour long test for work in fifteen minutes. I said, “Mom… I have my advancement exam this morning.”

 

“Oh, Baby. I am sorry. I forgot.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“I’m okay.”

 

“Is Daddy okay?”

 

“Daddy’s fine. He is okay. We are both okay.”

 

“Okay… Whatever is wrong is gonna have to wait a couple of hours. I gotta go do this, okay?”

 

“Okay. I’m so sorry. I forgot.”

 

“It’s okay. I will call you back in a bit. Love you, Momma. Smoochies.”

 

“Love you too, me seed. Smoochies.”

 

(Disclaimer: Please don’t think I didn’t care about why my Mom was crying or about anyone else in my life other than my parents…. I did. But I needed to be able to get through the test that I had to take for work and I knew that if she was okay and my Dad was okay I could at least get through the next three hours.)

 

I went to my car. I went to the exam site. I walked in and sat down. My brain was spinning. My “boss lady” was one of the exam proctors. I told her that my Mom had called to give me bad news and I told her to wait to tell me so I could take the exam and that I was going to call her back after. “Boss Lady” told me to let her know what happened after I had called.

 

I took the exam. I read every question and I answered the first half with actual legit answers. The answers are labeled with numbers but when I tell the story I like to label them with letters instead. The second half of the exam I was pretty much done. I needed to know what was going on and I was not about to sit in that room and figure shit out for three hours. Nope. So the second half went like this….

 

:::Read the question and the possible answers::: I don’t want to BE here…. :::fill in bubble B:::

:::Read the question and the possible answers::: I want to SEE my family…:::fill in bubble C:::

:::Read the question and the possible answers::: I don’t give A flying fuck about this test right now… :::fill in bubble A:::

 

And so on…

 

Finished it. Handed it in. Went into the hall and called my Mom as I walked outside to the car.

 

“Okay, Momma. I am done. What happened?”

 

“It’s Justin, Baby.”

 

“It’s Justin? It’s Justin what?”

 

Her voice cracked. “Baby……he just took too much.”

 

I lost my damn mind. I don’t remember anything between that and when I went back in to tell the “Boss Lady”. I don’t remember what else was said or how long we talked. I remember her saying the word ‘much’ and the next thing I can recall is opening the door to the exam room and marching in all wild eyed like I owned the place.

 

“Boss Lady” saw me come flying in and put her hand up and pointed to the hall. That is when I thought, “Oh yeah, dummy….people are still in the middle of their exams.”

 

We went into the hall and she asked me what happened.

 

“My cousin died. He died. He is dead.”

 

She was quiet for a few seconds and then she asked me a question. At the time I didn’t really understand the question but later I learned about emergency leave and how it works and I really appreciated her for what she did for me.

 

She said, “I am going to ask you a question. But before I ask it I want you to know the answer is, ‘yes’. Okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“When you were growing up….did you live with your cousin?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Go home, Robinson.”

 

(Now…in theory that wasn’t a fib. My Mom and I spent so much time in Michigan when I was little because my grandparents were sick that in theory I did pretty much live there.)

 

So I went to Michigan for Justin’s funeral.

 

**

 

I don’t remember much about the trip other that the evening spent in the basement and the actual funeral.

 

There was an evening that my Mom, my Aunt Tammy, Joey Pants, myself and a load of other people (sorry…other than the three I mentioned I don’t remember specifics) were in Aunt Tammy’s basement talking about the service and memories and whatnot. I was curled up on the couch and I was scribbling in a notebook…. I really wasn’t participating in the conversation and  someone asked me what I was writing.

 

“A poem.”

 

“Can we hear it?”

 

“When it is done.”

 

So I kept working on it. I told everyone it was finished and they asked me to read it. So I did….

 

Dear Justin

 

During the past few days we’ve often wondered why

All we have are memories to help the time pass by.

We love you and we miss you, we aren’t sure why you went.

We’ve thought about the good times, all the times we spent.

We wish we could have helped you before it was too late

To be the Justin that we knew before that twist of fate.

We wish we had you with us to laugh with and to hug.

We wish we could have pulled you out of the deep hole that you dug.

You had your life ahead of you, your family is brand new.

It isn’t fair your moments with them were short and far too few.

We will always remember the good times but we can’t forget the bad.

We have our sorrow, we have our grief and some of us are mad.

But we will all forgive you, as hard as that may be

And we know you are watching over us, all our lives you’ll see.

So Justin, goodbye for now, our hearts will one day mend

When we see our son, brother, nephew, cousin, daddy, love and friend.

 

I got done reading it and was met with total silence. Someone said, “You have to read that at the funeral.”

 

I do not like public speaking. I can sit in a group and talk with five people and be fine but if the same five people are sitting and I am standing in a ‘official’ setting…. Game over. So when I said I would do it without hesitation I wondered what the hell I was doing.

 

The funeral was rough. Standing room only. I sat with Julie and Mom went with Aunt Tam. I remember snippets of it. I remember saying goodbye and seeing him in the casket in his jersey. I remember being semi-composed for most of it. I remember watching the memorial video and when it got to a picture of me, Justin and Jordan on Halloween I lost my mind and don’t remember anything after that until someone said something about someone writing a poem and then my feet were moving toward the podium.

 

I got to the podium….turned around and looked out at the sea of humanity that was packed into that room. So many people were in the same boat I was….utter wrecks. An utter wreck standing in front of hundreds of people that are also utter wrecks is so much easier than one nervous person in front of five people.

 

I had to swallow back the tears the whole time I was reading. I wasn’t nervous but I still stared at the paper so I didn’t mess up…. Until the last line. The last line I looked at the front row. I looked at my Aunt Tammy and Uncle Randy. I looked at Jordan. I looked at Tina and Megan and Morgan and Heather and Michelle and Britt and Afton and and and and and and and and and….. I looked at Miss Aubrey and Ashley. Then I just looked out at everyone.

 

And then I stepped away from the podium. And then I bawled.

 

And a day or so later….I went back to Texas.

 

**

I got back to Texas…resumed my Navy life and tried to make sense of what had happened.

 

The following is exactly what I wrote the morning after it happened….

 

(Disclamer…. I have tried this quite a few times since and it doesn’t always work. So please don’t try it and be upset if it doesn’t happen.)

 

5/20/09

 

Yesterday I bought a book about strengthening psychic abilities. I read a chapter on dreams and out of body experiences. In it, it said you can program what you dream about by thinking a thought until you fall asleep. Justin died a little over two months ago and I haven’t dreamed about him and I really wanted to. So I did the body relaxation thing and repeated, “I want to dream about Justin and Roxy and remember it”. (I threw Roxy in there to make sure I could still see her.) Anyway, I had a combo of a dream and an OBE (out of body experience).

 

I went from being in bed to standing in the middle of a meadow in about two seconds. I was completely aware that I was in bed though and I could still see the outlines of my furniture and the light from the window glint off the TV but I was definitely in a meadow next to a lake with a mountain next to it. It was a sunny day and the temperature was perfect.

 

Someone said, “Hey” and I turned around to see Justin standing beside me smiling. He looked young, a lot like his senior pictures and he had on a basketball jersey. He said, “Come on” and suddenly we were on the mountain on the edge of a cliff. He launched himself off the cliff and I screamed and reached out for him but to my surprise he was hovering in midair a few feet away.

 

“You can fly.” I said in awe.

 

“We all can.”

 

“Who?”

 

“The angels. Come on, you’re dreaming, you can fly too. Let’s go.”

 

I was hesitant but he took off like a rocket and I didn’t want to lose him so I jumped. I fell a few feet before something invisible caught me and I flew after him. We went across mountains covered in the greenest grass I have ever seen and I saw daffodils and dandelions everywhere.

 

“This is so cool!” I yelled at him.

 

“Check this out.” He did a nose dive into the lake.

 

I figured I was already flying around so I might as well get wet so I plunged in after him. The water wasn’t warm or cold, it was just there. I could see perfectly as if I had goggles on. Justin was ahead of me and so I went faster to catch up. (I realized then that I wasn’t swimming…I was sort of gliding through the water.) There were bright plants and water flowers and hundreds of fish. I was getting worried because I didn’t know how much longer I could hold my breath and I breathed in through my nose. I felt the water go into my nostrils and for a brief moment I thought, “Well, shit. I’m drowning” but then I realized that even though it was water I was inhaling I could still breathe fine. I laughed and a goldfish shot into my mouth and I coughed (I was vaguely aware at that point that my sleeping self had a tickle in the back of her throat which I found amusing…a goldfish was the tickle in my dream.) I went from being in the lake to being in a building in the blink of an eye. Justin motioned for me to be quiet when he looked around the corner. He came back in and told me ‘they’ were in there and I had to sneak out. (In the dream I knew who ‘they’ were but now I am not so sure. I think it was other people I care about that died.) I asked him why and he said they would want me to stay if they saw me and he knew I had to go back. We snuck past the door and I peeked in and saw a bunch of people in chairs and on couches playing games and watching TV. There were a few dogs on the floor and one looked like Bo and one looked like Dolly. I saw a white tail and thought of Rowdie too. The Dolly dog looked up and saw me and her tail wagged but Justin told her to stay. She did so she must have known I was just visiting.

 

We went back outside and we stood by the lake chatting for a few moments about nothing I can really remember and then my mouth started to feel funny like bubbles filling it up. I groaned and spit a mouthful of rocks and pebbles into my hand. As it was filling up again I said that it meant I needed to go.

 

Justin nodded and gave me a quick hug and said, “Make sure my Mom knows I’m okay.”

 

 I nodded and spit more rocks out then turned to where I could see myself sleeping and walked to my bed and woke up.

 

I stayed in bed for a few moments with my eyes open and then rolled over and went back to sleep. I loved every minute of the dream and I am so happy that I remember it with such detail. I’ve been thinking hard about who was in the room we snuck past. I remember people but right before I place a name to them they disappear. I saw young and old people in the room. I think I saw Roxy’s red hair and I am pretty sure I saw Nikki. I remember seeing an old man in a recliner that I want to say was Granddaddy but I’m not positive. I’m pretty sure it was though.

 

I think heaven exists… and I think I was lucky enough to visit for a moment.

 

Oh…and the rock thing isn’t really that strange for me. Some people dream about their teeth falling out…my mouth fills with rocks to the point of annoyance.

 

**

 

That is the end of what I wrote about the “dream”.

 

I don’t really know how to end this post…… I would end it with my usual sign off but that seems inappropriate for this post….

 

If you know someone that you think or know has a drug problem. Get in their face about it. Get them help even if it pisses them off. Seriously.


Love to my Ebs.

 

Justin….. Just Unite Someone Through Intervention Now