The post where I discuss the flu shot

Vaccinations.

The debate about vaccinations is crazy. Do you get them? What is in them? Do they help? Do they cause Autism? On and on and on and on.

I am not chiming in on baby vaccinations right now. I don't have kids yet and I have time to decide what is best for my non-existent smallish children when the time comes.

This post is all about the flu shot.

Me... I have no choice in the matter. I am in the military and I get told to roll up my sleeve and relax. At boot camp I thought of it as a line of cattle in a gauntlet. Single file line going up the middle of a bunch of Corpsman with needles at the ready. Step forward....shot in both arms. Step forward....shot in both arms. Step forward....you get the idea.

Anyway...flu shot. I get one every year because I don't have a choice. I've never really thought about it much. I don't know when I am going to be done with my Navy career for sure but I never really saw myself as the type of person to go get a flu shot without an HM1 telling me it was time.

Until now.

I have friends that are reading this that are against the flu shot and are probably preparing to throw a list of links and references my way of what is in the shot and why I shouldn't get it and etc etc. Please don't. I have seen it all on Facebook. I have seen the "what is in a flu shot" pictures. I get it. I do. It has a bunch of crap in it that shouldn't be put into a body.

Life is full of crap that shouldn't be put into a body. The air we breathe is full of crap we shouldn't be putting into a body. Alcohol fucks up your liver and yet people that I know that preach against vaccines drink on a regular basis. Tobacco causes cancer and yet people I know that preach against vaccines smoke or dip. The tap water could be contaminated. The air is contaminated. The soil we grow food in might be contaminated. Truthfully....we're already screwed so a flu shot isn't gonna do all that much that living is gonna do in the long run anyway.

You want to know what convinced me to go from "meh" about the shot to "yeah, I'll get one post Navy"? Also something I read about on Facebook....

Post by Tina on January 11th:

Tony was transported last night and is in ICU at U of M . He did well on the trip down and continues to hold his own today. He's not out of the woods, but he's a fighter. He is heavily sedated to keep him still. Blood pressure is good, he's on 85 % oxygen. They did another bronch today to see what's going on. He has had a lot of tests and I spoke to his dr today. Tony is flu patient #15 in this ONE unit. They are all equally sick and some worse. They are ALL ages, male and female. PLEASE PLEASE, GET YOUR FLU SHOTS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SICK IT CAN MAKE YOU. I have an amazing support structure of family and friends... I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Post by Morgan on January 12th:

Dad update: spiked a temp of 103 today, they packed him with ice and got him a fan. He is back down to 99 tonight. Had a little drop in his oxygen due to his tube getting plugged with stuff coming out of his lungs but they got him right back up. The plan is to paralyze him tonight so he won't be coughing and hopefully his oxygen wont drop. Please limit calls/texts on updates to my mom because it is a stressful time and she needs to focus on her health to be there for my dad (please continue to send positive thoughts/prayers however, she will continue to read your posts on facebook!!!) feel free to get ahold of me or Meg! We are hoping to get a care page set up soon to refer those looking for updates!

Posts by Tina on January 13th:

It's been a week today that Tony was admitted to the hospital. It's hard to not have had a turnaround yet, but I am thankful every day that he is still with us and fighting. We went 4 steps back yesterday, but he's still alive. I thought I had lost him when his oxygen plummeted. He was feverish off and on last night. This morning his nurse said they were going to try something new. I will update again when they get him situated after rounds. I spent the night here on the couch and they didn't need to wake me, I consider that a blessing. I am optimistic that this will be the day for positive news.....

Tony is the sickest one in the unit where he is....they rolled him over on his stomach today to try and drain his lungs with gravity. They also had to raise his oxygen back to 100%.....he's very critical. I am waiting to discuss with the drs what the next step is. I told him I'm not leaving without him. This flu is so bad that recovery time in ICU is from 2 weeks to 6 months. And you don't want a flu shot why?? Cause you might get a stuffy nose?

Post by Tina on January 14th:

PTL ! Tony had an uneventful night ! They just backed his oxygen to 60% to see how he would tolerate it. Yesterday they proned him (put him on his stomach) to drain his lungs are happy with the progress so far. In about 30 mins they will be flipping him back over and see how it goes. His organs are still doing well, which is in his favor. They still have him paralyzed to help his lungs heal. They told me there was some improvement over yesterday, but this is a slow process. H1N1 is brutal on your lungs. It didn't help having double pneumonia on top of it. Again, I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I wish I could read them all to him. I told them I don't care how slight of an improvement it is, I will take it ! Thank you every one who reported getting flu shots, I passed it on to the nurses, it makes them ecstatic. You don't want to be lying here like this. We are on week two. Just for the record, I tried to get Tony to get a flu shot with me, but he didn't have time....

Posts by Tina on January 15th:

Tony's oxygen was at 60% when I got here. That's a good sign. They turned it up to 100 when they turned him to make sure he doesn't drop. I had to leave while they turned him, so I don't know yet how he tolerated it. I am hoping for some positive changes. He seems a little less unstable today. He is going to freak when he sees how long he's been down. I hope he's resting and not cutting trees in his sedated sleep. He is still medically paralyzed, which along with nitric oxide seems to have helped. The staff here is amazing.

Yay !! Tonys numbers have been holding well all day, blood pressure, etc. He is slowly coming around. They took him off his paralasis drug this afternoon. He is still sedated and on pain meds. Dr says slight improvement, still in the woods and cautious. I hope they can keep him quiet without more sedation, he hates the vent tube. He tries to open his eyes in response. I leaned over and kissed him when I left and he turned towards me and leaned on my face. I wiped a tear sliding down his cheek. Awesome. Thats all I can say.

Posts by Tina on January 16th:

Tony spiked a fever off and on all night, characteristic of H1N1. He's still heavily sedated but they hope to back off some today. I hope he behaves this time, but I doubt it. I'm sure he wants that damn tube out. The drs are happy with progess all tho it has been very slow, also H1N1. But he is MUCH better than when he got here. Chest xray a little better on one side, so they have been moving him around. Started him on percussion, which they couldn't do before because he couldn't tolerate it. I was in there during it and he did fine. A few coughing fits but they don't drop his oxygen like it was, so thats great... I felt good when I heard rounds today. Dr says its always guarded with H1N1 and ICU. We all know that. Dr smiled at me, thats a good sign ! He continues to get awesome care here. Another different nurse today and I have a good feeling about him. This is an amazing group of caring, dedicated staff. And thank you all for your concern about me, I'm fine. I have some Choszczyk family near and am well taken care of. I have gained weight even lol. I looked in the mirror this morning and am starting to look like me again. Positive thoughts !! 

 

Damn you H1N1 !! Tony had a good 10 hrs straight. Tonight he spiked a fever, blood pressure high and he's anxious so they had to sedate him more. I had to leave for a while and hydrate and unhydrate... He tried to open his eyes but just couldn't get them all the way. He did move his arms and legs slowly on command and squeezed my hand finally !!! He turned towards me and tried to open his eyes when I talked to him. I calmed him down and he slept for a good hour at least. Nurse said I had a calming effect on him. Hmmmmm lol. They are happy where his numbers are going. His oxygen is looking better and it takes him less time to recover when they suction him or move him etc.. which means he has a little more reserve. It's been a long day, back and forth, up and down, but I feel good about it. I will bunk here and stay near when he wakes. One of the H1N1 patients ( we friended another family) has been sick since Dec 27th and been on the ECMO machine. Please get your flu shots, this virus is deadly. It makes me wonder where Tony got it. Wash your hands often and cover your cough. I wish no one ever had to go thru this again, these people in ICU are deathly ill. Don't take any chances ! Thanks again for your support !

 

Post by Tina on January 17th:

Tony had an all night battle with fever and blood presssure. He rested anxiously so they had to sedate him a little more. He did try and respond to my voice. I spent a lot of time with him last night and again from 4 to 6am this morning. Nothing eventful, just sat and talked to him and held his hand. I told him I had total control of the remote. I thought that might get him to wake up ! So, not much change last night, but he did tolerate his bath without totally dropping in oxygen, so thats a plus. I will update when I find something out. I wish I had written down some of my thoughts from last night.. I wish I could post a picture so people would see what he is going through and take flu shots seriously. Tony has been hooked up to 13 drips, the ventilator, nitric oxide and he has a picc line and an art line, along with the stuff they are constantly adding to his IV....H1N1 is no joke.

 

Post by Megan on January 17th:

Dad Update:

Dad's blood pressure has been up and down all day. His numbers were really high last night but they fluctuate drastically by the hour. Doctors are saying his organs still look good and his oxygen saturation is at a good level so that is going for him. Many patients diagnosed with H1N1 develop complications with their other systems...dad is very fortunate to be in relatively good health, considering. He is also up and down with a fever, but again, this is characteristic with H1N1.

He hasn't made much progress today, but he hasn't taken steps back so that is good. (In the words of my mom "he didn't lose the ball, he's just not running with it") Still very sick...still fighting for his life...still on life support.

Every nurse here has confirmed that these patients currently fighting H1N1 did not have the flu shot. Each person is on life support and in critical condition. We are fortunate to have gotten dad here when we did, there are waiting lists of people who are just as sick (and sicker) than he is who are trying to get in here. Unfortunately for them, these patients are not leaving quickly; a stay with H1N1 guarantees you aren't going anywhere soon. It is so unreal...***please go get your flu shot***.

I would never wish this on my worst enemy

 

Posts by Tina on January 18th:

Tony has remained about the same, fever up and down but holding his own. No changes to speak of. They are trying to keep his blood pressure down then it goes to low..... They upped his pain meds, his oxygen is on 60% and hopefully we can keep it there. Staying positive !!!

 

I just left Tony's room. He is still heavily sedated. His fever is back down. He has lost about 26 pounds in 2 weeks. Blood pressure was up and down today again, characteristic of H1N1.... We are thankful his organs are still functioning well. There are people in here on dialyasis and other complications. I am thankful he is strong and strong willed. He's a fighter.... the trend continues, not one critical care patient here with H1N1 virus has had a flu shot. There's a pattern here people.

 

And finally....today...January 19th... post by Tina:

I took a much needed fast trip home this morning to regroup and get the mail. I hated to go so far away. He seems to be slowly making baby steps. Not fast, but not backwards either. I will take it. There are many here that haven't been so lucky. I have the utmost respect for the medical profession after seeing what goes on here day and night. ( I can't believe the waste, either We thank you all for your continued prayers. I can't wait until he is well enough to come out of ICU and not be sedated. We have so much to tell him. He will be in for a surprise....... There's no place like home ~ <3

 

 

 

Tony is like an Uncle to me. You don't have to be blood to be family and although we aren't close I still consider him to be my family.Tina's maiden name is Eberly. If you know me you know I have adopted the entire Eberly clan as my own.... and therefore those they marry etc. Tina is my Aunt. Megan and Morgan are my cousins. The Eberly family has been through more than their fair share of heartache and pain. "Seeing" Tony like this kills me on the inside. Knowing I can't do anything to help hurts even more. 

 

But there is one thing I can do....

 

I will get a flu shot every year even after the Navy stops telling me I have to. I do not want to ever be the one in a bed on a ventilator with my family sending out prayer requests on Facebook because I have the flu and am sedated on a ventilator. Nope.

 

I will get the flu shot because I am pretty sure...with everything that has happened and is still happening...my Eberly family will hunt me down and stab me with a needle themselves if I refuse (which...is what is gonna happen to Tony if he ever says he is "too busy" again. :-p)

 

Team Chosczcyk right here. Keep on fighting, Tony the Tree Man!

 

 

 

The post where I.....I don't know how to title this one....

Based on the previous post you all probably realize I believe in things that are a little….different. This post will follow that theme. This will probably be a rather long post. A three parter in fact. The Story. The Poem. The “Dream”.

 

Aunt Tam…. If you are reading this I am going to color code it so you don’t have to read all of it if you don’t want to. The first section (red) is about the day I found out Justin had died. The  second section (blue) is about when Mom and I got to Michigan and the poem I wrote and read at Justin’s funeral. The third section (green) is about the day leading up to and including the “dream.” I understand if you don’t want to read the red and blue sections….but please, please, please read the green section. Please.

 

**

 

My Mom has two best friends that she has known since she was in first (or so) grade… my Aunt Tammy and my Aunt Lorie. Aunt Tammy has two boys….my cousins…Justin and Jordan. My cousin Justin died in March of 2009. He had a drug problem and it killed him.

 

I will never ever forget the day I found out Justin had died. I had my advancement exam for Second Class Petty Officer that morning. I had to be there pretty much at the butt crack of dawn. I had forgotten something at work so I went early to grab it before heading over to the testing site. I was walking out of the hanger and crossing the flight line to get to the parking lot when my phone went off in my pocket. No one calls me that early unless I am late for something or something is wrong….so I looked around real quick…no one was around to see me pull my phone out on the flight line…so I did.

 

The screen said “Momma”. I didn’t think anything was wrong when I saw that. She knew I had my exam that morning and I figured she was calling to wish me good luck. I answered the phone. “Hey, Momma.”

 

She had that ‘trying not to cry even though I have been crying for a while’ voice. “Hey, Baby.”

 

My heart hit my throat. I stopped walking. I knew I had to go take a three hour long test for work in fifteen minutes. I said, “Mom… I have my advancement exam this morning.”

 

“Oh, Baby. I am sorry. I forgot.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“I’m okay.”

 

“Is Daddy okay?”

 

“Daddy’s fine. He is okay. We are both okay.”

 

“Okay… Whatever is wrong is gonna have to wait a couple of hours. I gotta go do this, okay?”

 

“Okay. I’m so sorry. I forgot.”

 

“It’s okay. I will call you back in a bit. Love you, Momma. Smoochies.”

 

“Love you too, me seed. Smoochies.”

 

(Disclaimer: Please don’t think I didn’t care about why my Mom was crying or about anyone else in my life other than my parents…. I did. But I needed to be able to get through the test that I had to take for work and I knew that if she was okay and my Dad was okay I could at least get through the next three hours.)

 

I went to my car. I went to the exam site. I walked in and sat down. My brain was spinning. My “boss lady” was one of the exam proctors. I told her that my Mom had called to give me bad news and I told her to wait to tell me so I could take the exam and that I was going to call her back after. “Boss Lady” told me to let her know what happened after I had called.

 

I took the exam. I read every question and I answered the first half with actual legit answers. The answers are labeled with numbers but when I tell the story I like to label them with letters instead. The second half of the exam I was pretty much done. I needed to know what was going on and I was not about to sit in that room and figure shit out for three hours. Nope. So the second half went like this….

 

:::Read the question and the possible answers::: I don’t want to BE here…. :::fill in bubble B:::

:::Read the question and the possible answers::: I want to SEE my family…:::fill in bubble C:::

:::Read the question and the possible answers::: I don’t give A flying fuck about this test right now… :::fill in bubble A:::

 

And so on…

 

Finished it. Handed it in. Went into the hall and called my Mom as I walked outside to the car.

 

“Okay, Momma. I am done. What happened?”

 

“It’s Justin, Baby.”

 

“It’s Justin? It’s Justin what?”

 

Her voice cracked. “Baby……he just took too much.”

 

I lost my damn mind. I don’t remember anything between that and when I went back in to tell the “Boss Lady”. I don’t remember what else was said or how long we talked. I remember her saying the word ‘much’ and the next thing I can recall is opening the door to the exam room and marching in all wild eyed like I owned the place.

 

“Boss Lady” saw me come flying in and put her hand up and pointed to the hall. That is when I thought, “Oh yeah, dummy….people are still in the middle of their exams.”

 

We went into the hall and she asked me what happened.

 

“My cousin died. He died. He is dead.”

 

She was quiet for a few seconds and then she asked me a question. At the time I didn’t really understand the question but later I learned about emergency leave and how it works and I really appreciated her for what she did for me.

 

She said, “I am going to ask you a question. But before I ask it I want you to know the answer is, ‘yes’. Okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“When you were growing up….did you live with your cousin?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Go home, Robinson.”

 

(Now…in theory that wasn’t a fib. My Mom and I spent so much time in Michigan when I was little because my grandparents were sick that in theory I did pretty much live there.)

 

So I went to Michigan for Justin’s funeral.

 

**

 

I don’t remember much about the trip other that the evening spent in the basement and the actual funeral.

 

There was an evening that my Mom, my Aunt Tammy, Joey Pants, myself and a load of other people (sorry…other than the three I mentioned I don’t remember specifics) were in Aunt Tammy’s basement talking about the service and memories and whatnot. I was curled up on the couch and I was scribbling in a notebook…. I really wasn’t participating in the conversation and  someone asked me what I was writing.

 

“A poem.”

 

“Can we hear it?”

 

“When it is done.”

 

So I kept working on it. I told everyone it was finished and they asked me to read it. So I did….

 

Dear Justin

 

During the past few days we’ve often wondered why

All we have are memories to help the time pass by.

We love you and we miss you, we aren’t sure why you went.

We’ve thought about the good times, all the times we spent.

We wish we could have helped you before it was too late

To be the Justin that we knew before that twist of fate.

We wish we had you with us to laugh with and to hug.

We wish we could have pulled you out of the deep hole that you dug.

You had your life ahead of you, your family is brand new.

It isn’t fair your moments with them were short and far too few.

We will always remember the good times but we can’t forget the bad.

We have our sorrow, we have our grief and some of us are mad.

But we will all forgive you, as hard as that may be

And we know you are watching over us, all our lives you’ll see.

So Justin, goodbye for now, our hearts will one day mend

When we see our son, brother, nephew, cousin, daddy, love and friend.

 

I got done reading it and was met with total silence. Someone said, “You have to read that at the funeral.”

 

I do not like public speaking. I can sit in a group and talk with five people and be fine but if the same five people are sitting and I am standing in a ‘official’ setting…. Game over. So when I said I would do it without hesitation I wondered what the hell I was doing.

 

The funeral was rough. Standing room only. I sat with Julie and Mom went with Aunt Tam. I remember snippets of it. I remember saying goodbye and seeing him in the casket in his jersey. I remember being semi-composed for most of it. I remember watching the memorial video and when it got to a picture of me, Justin and Jordan on Halloween I lost my mind and don’t remember anything after that until someone said something about someone writing a poem and then my feet were moving toward the podium.

 

I got to the podium….turned around and looked out at the sea of humanity that was packed into that room. So many people were in the same boat I was….utter wrecks. An utter wreck standing in front of hundreds of people that are also utter wrecks is so much easier than one nervous person in front of five people.

 

I had to swallow back the tears the whole time I was reading. I wasn’t nervous but I still stared at the paper so I didn’t mess up…. Until the last line. The last line I looked at the front row. I looked at my Aunt Tammy and Uncle Randy. I looked at Jordan. I looked at Tina and Megan and Morgan and Heather and Michelle and Britt and Afton and and and and and and and and and….. I looked at Miss Aubrey and Ashley. Then I just looked out at everyone.

 

And then I stepped away from the podium. And then I bawled.

 

And a day or so later….I went back to Texas.

 

**

I got back to Texas…resumed my Navy life and tried to make sense of what had happened.

 

The following is exactly what I wrote the morning after it happened….

 

(Disclamer…. I have tried this quite a few times since and it doesn’t always work. So please don’t try it and be upset if it doesn’t happen.)

 

5/20/09

 

Yesterday I bought a book about strengthening psychic abilities. I read a chapter on dreams and out of body experiences. In it, it said you can program what you dream about by thinking a thought until you fall asleep. Justin died a little over two months ago and I haven’t dreamed about him and I really wanted to. So I did the body relaxation thing and repeated, “I want to dream about Justin and Roxy and remember it”. (I threw Roxy in there to make sure I could still see her.) Anyway, I had a combo of a dream and an OBE (out of body experience).

 

I went from being in bed to standing in the middle of a meadow in about two seconds. I was completely aware that I was in bed though and I could still see the outlines of my furniture and the light from the window glint off the TV but I was definitely in a meadow next to a lake with a mountain next to it. It was a sunny day and the temperature was perfect.

 

Someone said, “Hey” and I turned around to see Justin standing beside me smiling. He looked young, a lot like his senior pictures and he had on a basketball jersey. He said, “Come on” and suddenly we were on the mountain on the edge of a cliff. He launched himself off the cliff and I screamed and reached out for him but to my surprise he was hovering in midair a few feet away.

 

“You can fly.” I said in awe.

 

“We all can.”

 

“Who?”

 

“The angels. Come on, you’re dreaming, you can fly too. Let’s go.”

 

I was hesitant but he took off like a rocket and I didn’t want to lose him so I jumped. I fell a few feet before something invisible caught me and I flew after him. We went across mountains covered in the greenest grass I have ever seen and I saw daffodils and dandelions everywhere.

 

“This is so cool!” I yelled at him.

 

“Check this out.” He did a nose dive into the lake.

 

I figured I was already flying around so I might as well get wet so I plunged in after him. The water wasn’t warm or cold, it was just there. I could see perfectly as if I had goggles on. Justin was ahead of me and so I went faster to catch up. (I realized then that I wasn’t swimming…I was sort of gliding through the water.) There were bright plants and water flowers and hundreds of fish. I was getting worried because I didn’t know how much longer I could hold my breath and I breathed in through my nose. I felt the water go into my nostrils and for a brief moment I thought, “Well, shit. I’m drowning” but then I realized that even though it was water I was inhaling I could still breathe fine. I laughed and a goldfish shot into my mouth and I coughed (I was vaguely aware at that point that my sleeping self had a tickle in the back of her throat which I found amusing…a goldfish was the tickle in my dream.) I went from being in the lake to being in a building in the blink of an eye. Justin motioned for me to be quiet when he looked around the corner. He came back in and told me ‘they’ were in there and I had to sneak out. (In the dream I knew who ‘they’ were but now I am not so sure. I think it was other people I care about that died.) I asked him why and he said they would want me to stay if they saw me and he knew I had to go back. We snuck past the door and I peeked in and saw a bunch of people in chairs and on couches playing games and watching TV. There were a few dogs on the floor and one looked like Bo and one looked like Dolly. I saw a white tail and thought of Rowdie too. The Dolly dog looked up and saw me and her tail wagged but Justin told her to stay. She did so she must have known I was just visiting.

 

We went back outside and we stood by the lake chatting for a few moments about nothing I can really remember and then my mouth started to feel funny like bubbles filling it up. I groaned and spit a mouthful of rocks and pebbles into my hand. As it was filling up again I said that it meant I needed to go.

 

Justin nodded and gave me a quick hug and said, “Make sure my Mom knows I’m okay.”

 

 I nodded and spit more rocks out then turned to where I could see myself sleeping and walked to my bed and woke up.

 

I stayed in bed for a few moments with my eyes open and then rolled over and went back to sleep. I loved every minute of the dream and I am so happy that I remember it with such detail. I’ve been thinking hard about who was in the room we snuck past. I remember people but right before I place a name to them they disappear. I saw young and old people in the room. I think I saw Roxy’s red hair and I am pretty sure I saw Nikki. I remember seeing an old man in a recliner that I want to say was Granddaddy but I’m not positive. I’m pretty sure it was though.

 

I think heaven exists… and I think I was lucky enough to visit for a moment.

 

Oh…and the rock thing isn’t really that strange for me. Some people dream about their teeth falling out…my mouth fills with rocks to the point of annoyance.

 

**

 

That is the end of what I wrote about the “dream”.

 

I don’t really know how to end this post…… I would end it with my usual sign off but that seems inappropriate for this post….

 

If you know someone that you think or know has a drug problem. Get in their face about it. Get them help even if it pisses them off. Seriously.


Love to my Ebs.

 

Justin….. Just Unite Someone Through Intervention Now