No really. You may think I am kidding but I am not. Smallish children fresh from the uterus scare the living bajeezus out of me. They are essentially bobbleheads with broken springs.
I have been terrified of broken bobbleheaded babies since I can remember.
Example: When I was just about to start fifth grade my best friend Erin acquired a little sister named Regan. I wouldn't hold her. I would look at her and make dorky faces and play with her but when asked if I wanted to hold her I decided that I needed to be as far away from her as I possibly could get. I don't remember which one of the Stacey family finally called me out for being terrified but I do remember when I finally "held" her...
She was probably about six months old or so...big enough to be sitting up on her own... and she was playing in Brendan's room. I remember arguing with someone about how I was NOT afraid to hold her and I was finally like, "Fine!" So... I went into Brendan's room, sat on the floor behind her and put my hands on her waist. When someone asked if I was gonna hold her I said, "I AM holding her!"
Since then I have gotten better about it. Once the bobblehead's spring is strong enough to support its own noggin' I am all about cuddling the cute little boogers. I will hold them prior to that milestone but in all honesty I am internally freaking out. I hold them long enough to pretend I am not terrified and then I am looking for someone....anyone...who wants to hold it more than I do. The only time I am semi comfortable is if I am sitting when I am handed the baby, the baby is sleeping so it is not moving and I am not required to move...at all. If I need to get up....someone else takes the baby before I get up. If the baby starts to squirm....someone else takes the baby because I have suddenly found a very important reason why I need to get up. If I am standing when holding the baby I will only stand long enough to find someone else to hold the baby or to find a place to sit.
And if I am standing and the baby starts to squirm.....Oh dear GOD someone take the baby.
Why am I rambling on and on about my fear of the weak necked newborns? Beeeecaauuuseeee I am about to HAVE one.
I am not terrified to give birth. I am not terrified to have a baby. I am excited. I love babies. But I am terrified of being alone with a broken spring bobblehead. I know I will be fine and motherly instincts will kick in and all that jazz... I know that... but that is what I am scared of....holding him and feeling like a shitty mother for wanting to play pass the baby because I am terrified.
Oh yeah....by the way....it is a boy. Here is (as Adam calls it) the "junk seen from space".
Yeah... I am terrified of my unborn broken spring bobbleheaded boy.
Don't judge me.
~Turtle
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